my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
