So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
