trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
