and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
