She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
