My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
