News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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