why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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