I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You can't just leave with hair like that
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
