Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
