I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
