im about as happy as oj after his trial
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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