ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
