Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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