You're completely useless in the revolution.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
