I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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