fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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