I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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