So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize