I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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