Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
