I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
