Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
time to smoke my breakfast
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Randomize
