I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
