drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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