We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
