Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
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