ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
