I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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