yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
