I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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