Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
