I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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