Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
