Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
