Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
