Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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