saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
