i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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