she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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