She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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