does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
