i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
