i jhust puked up my retainher.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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