i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize