sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
