I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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