girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm like, not good at living.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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