The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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