Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
