wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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