Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
