How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
