can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize