my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
