shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
