It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
