i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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