You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
