My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
party gras won. party gras always wins.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
