I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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