Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize