I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
