You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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