i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
