Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
