Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
