i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
