You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
