i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
pray to the hookup gods
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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