he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
