I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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