I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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